Dating Confessions, Guidelines and Expert Advice for Single Parents

Single parents looking for serious long term relationships sometimes don't know where to turn to meet other singles open to dating parents with kids. Single parents who are back into the dating game feel all of the pressure that singles feel: finding a quality person who integrates well in the family situation, with the added pressure of trying to pursue meaningful relationships between work and child care responsibilities.

Here are some dating confessions, guidelines and expert advice for single parents to follow, especially when dealing with the touchy subject of introducing prospective partners to children.

Confessions

“After 7 years of being with the abusive man I married, I got a lot smarter. For 4 years i refused to date, my life revolved around raising my 2 amazing children. I loved my job and my children were happy. My brother had a friend with a daughter who kept trying to set up a play-date with our kids. That next week he asked me to the movies. I am now with the most amazing person, wonderful father, and intensely perfect husband and did not even mean to find him. We are both great together, how could it not work.” Elizabeth Atieno a mother of three.

“I became a single father about the time my kid turned 3 years old. I was stressed enough, but I attempted to assimilate my kid into my dating world, from the outset. Let your date know you have kids on your first date. If your date can't accept the fact that you have kids then this is a red flag that you should not go on a date with this person. Your kids are part of who you are, if your date has a problem with this then they have a problem with you. My theory is that at some point - before you invest too much - you must introduce them to your children because how else will you know if they are compatible? Or if they can handle it.” Kevin Wanjala a father of one.

“I was a single mother; I went out socially and was friends with men but didn’t get into a relationship for two and a half years. I put this down to wanting to find the right person to help bring up mychild and luckily I married the man I eventually started dating. I also felt bad about my previous relationship and felt we had taken things too fast, and I didn’t want this to happen again. If you don't feel like dating straight away then that is ok, and it is good to be friends first.” Irene Nyambura a mother of one.

Guidelines

-Create time for dating and don't feel guilty about it. Do not feel that you are abandoning your children by taking care of the needs of your personal life. Spending time to get to know someone is very important and this is the first obstacle most dating single parent’s face. Make sure you have a babysitter available and plan and schedule your dates in advance so you can get to meet different people.

-Look for community based events and places to meet people. In this day and age, there are tons of ways to meet people. Many single dating parents don't go to bars and clubs to meet people, but place their profile on dating clubs or online dating sites. This can be one useful dating platform, but while you are creating time for dating, also spend time at kid-friendly and family oriented events, where you can be sure to find child-comfortable singles. You want to be sure that the person you meet is comfortable at family functions and gets along with children, eventually your own, so go to sports events, city events, fairs, church and picnics, where you can meet different family-oriented people.

-Go slowly. Try and become friends with the person before becoming affectionately involved. Bringing a new person into your life and existing family structure should be a gradual decision, not a rushed one. You don't want to confuse or upset your children (or yourself) by bringing in different people into your house. Bring home the serious ones that you have got to know very carefully.

-Make it clear to prospective partners that your children are your top priority. As a committed mom or dad, your prospective partner needs to appreciate that your parental responsibilities come first to the relationship. Some partners may have no problem with the idea of dating someone with kids, but feel neglected when the single parent partner may not always be available. Your partner needs to be flexible and comfortable with the idea of putting family first.

-Prepare your children before bringing someone to your home. Don't just get to know the person yourself, but introduce your kids to the idea of having a friend over at your place. Introduce your partner as a friend, and if your kids are old enough to express their opinion, listen to their reaction. Only go into detail about your relationship if and when it becomes serious. When your date is over at your place, stay in plain view of your children and interact with them, so your children don't feel jealous of your partner.

-Give your kids (and yourself) time to adjust. This goes along with the previous point. In the beginning, don't leave your child alone with your partner. As things get more serious, gradually integrate family functions and activities with your kids to see how they interact with your partner, and how your partner interacts with your kids as well. It's okay for single moms and dads to date each other, but if your partner's own children want to attend your family functions, delicately tell your children first. Tell your child that your partner also has a boy or girl that would love to play with him or her and that the other child is coming over too.

-Talk to your partner about your parental expectations and the future of your family. If you've met someone who you can envision as part of your family structure, make it clear that you are sharing with him or her parenting joys and responsibilities that have become part of your life. Talk about your future family and even the possibility or impossibility of starting a new one together. Do you want kids with your new partner? Is marriage on the horizon? Is your partner (and his or her children) moving into your house? Are you moving into your partner's? Communication is critical and these are big changes in your own and your children lives, so prepare them for it by making your future family expectations abundantly clear.

Expert Advice

Mr. Njuguna, a life and relationship coach advice: “I think that it is easy to forget that most of these moms are not single moms, technically. I think we should re-evaluate what the words 'single parent' mean. It is more and more common for parents to share custody, and even in a case of separation and full custody, the non custodial parent is usually around somewhere. The words 'single parent', suggests a parent whose counterpart is missing entirely, gets overused. A mother, whose children's father is still in the child's life, cannot be thought of as a single mother, but a single co-parent. The biggest challenge of dating a single mom then, is usually in developing a working relationship with the other parent.

A second point to consider is the length of time the person has been out of their past relationship. Each relationship end is traumatic no matter what the circumstances. A person must grieve this loss and re-adapt to the single life before he or she is truly ready for a new relationship. People who jump heedlessly and quickly into a new relationship before properly healing from the last one can spell trouble for you down the road.

Thirdly, supposing that your new partner has moved past all of these issues, what then is the next step? Be prepared to include the child/children in the relationship in small casual steps. Understand that the children usually have no choice in the decision to bring a new partner into the household. There may be issues of jealousy, anger and fear to deal with. This is both normal and understandable behavior and can be successfully dealt with.”

Mrs. Akunga, a life and relationship coach advice: “How to date a single parent is really important because I think, if you've dated people who haven't had kids before. Then you're used to being the center of their attention and you want to be the center of their attention. But if they have a kid that needs to be the center of attention and their kid needs to come first. And you need to be okay with that. So you need to be flexible, you need to understand that when you're first dating this person. They're probably not going to introduce you to their kid right away. They need to trust you first and they need to know that you're going to be around for a while. And that it's going to be safe to introduce them, you know, their kid to you. And you need to respect that. It's really not about you at all; it's about them being a good parent. And that should be incredibly attractive to you, that they're a good parent. So be flexible, if he/she has to break a couple of dates because something came up with the kid, understand that. Try not to be selfish and take it personally and give him/her the space. And be grateful, that he/she's a good dad/mum."